Purpose over pant size

In this cute village, we talk about what it looks like to discover happy in home, body + soul. If you are a woman and you are breathing, there is a really good chance you have not felt at home in your body. You have analyzed yourself in the mirror, turning sideways and sighing. You have jumped in your closet to pull on those jeans and then taken a big, deep breath. Again, probably torturing yourself in your own mind.

Brain battles are the worst battles because they are loudest for only you.

We could go on because there is probably a good chance you have said, “I will do better tomorrow.” Or maybe you’ve kept those shorts because someday you will wear them; someday when you will feel comfortable to show thigh dimples, and other regular things, like cellulite and (hello) the imaginary thigh gap.

Yesterday, I was in the basement going through old boxes and I ran across a red journal that had bold white letters that read, “LOVE.” I opened it immediately because I often enjoy reading my old thoughts. Forever a journaler, I have some excellent reads on middle school boyfriends (Calvin) and dreams about writing books. I have real nuggets like what my back-to-school outfit would be, as well as my deepest heartbreaks.

But this journal made my stomach hurt a bit, and once I recognized what it was, I shut it immediately. After centering myself, I opened it again to see exactly how God has released me from my own chains.

Within the journal was a food diary. Before I go any further, some of you may keep food diaries and I want to give you a high five! That’s awesome! However, for me, this food diary resembled a season that once felt like a prison. A jail cell where food was my master, and I was its slave.

As I turned page after page, I would see the food I ate and their corresponding calories. Then, often at the bottom, was a note to myself. I would write something like, “I failed again today. What is wrong with me…” I wrote this in many different iterations.

I know I’m not alone in this feeling. And if you feel this way at the end of the day, sister, I feel you deep down in my bones.

I don’t have a one-stop fix for us. I wish I did. But I do want to say this: I don’t keep a food diary anymore. I don’t run for hours because I feel shame about what ice cream cone I ate. Somedays I might still analyze my body, but the battle in my head is much quieter.

I know freedom.

As I’ve often thought about why this is, I think a big reason is because I started opening my Bible more. I don’t think this is the end-all, be-all “fix” but I can’t help see the alignment. And let’s be clear, it’s not just the “opening my Bible,” but it’s what happens because I do. When I walk closely with God, my purpose gets bigger than my pant size. And I think that is what continues to set me free. I am still not my “dream size” and I still turn sideways and sigh sometimes. But my purpose is big and my heart longs for more than a thigh gap. And I’m really into that kind of life.

Your purpose can be big, too. You were made for it. I promise. And for goodness sakes, go tell yourself in the mirror you were made for bigger things than a number on a tag. And then go and live.