On Sunday our worship leader led us in a familiar song, “Great is Thy Faithfulness” and big, hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I could taste each tear as they ran inward toward my lips, either being caught by the corner of my mouth, or by my dress below.

I couldn’t sing the words. I couldn’t whisper out the old hymn. Not because I was crying, the tears were simply a by product. I couldn’t sing because the actual words refused to form in my mouth.

And yes, I’m a pastor’s wife. I am Jesus’ very own. I am sealed with His Spirit. But Sunday was paralyzing, and the promise of God’s faithfulness felt far away.

Maybe the promise has felt far from you, too.

Maybe life is feeling too big or circumstances unfamiliar. And maybe you are wondering why you even pray because is it even doing anything? And our theology gets fuzzy when faced with the cold, hard lines of life.

Those lines can make the promises of God feel shaky and unsure.

He forgives all your iniquity.

Saturday eve, I laid with my mom in our guest bedroom. As we laid in the quiet of night, she asked me something I will not forget. She asked me to pray that when she gets up in the morning, everything would be back to normal. That her body and mind would return, and a miracle would overcome our family.

Because sometimes all you can ever do is beg for a miracle.

He heals all your diseases.

{Photo credit: Unsplash | Annie Spratt}

As of late, we don’t know what is going on inside of my mom’s body. The doctor says there are cognitive issues and I want to scream at that same doctor and tell her it’s more. I want to take that doctor’s shoulders and say, “Don’t you see that this is my mom? She isn’t the same. She doesn’t walk the same, engage the same, think the same. She is only 59-years-old. Fifty-nine. This is not happening in my family.”

Fix this.

And she can’t.

Prior to that, I wanted to take my mom’s shoulder and say, “Where are you mom? You aren’t the same. You don’t walk the same, engage the same, think the same. You are only 59-years-old. Fight.”

She tries.

And she can’t.

And on Sunday, as the tears rolled, I wanted to take the very shoulders of God and scream, “What is happening inside of my mom? She isn’t the same. She doesn’t walk the same, engage the same, think the same. Fix her. I need my mom to be fixed.”

And He isn’t fixing her.

I wait in the in between; the miracle looms.

He redeems your life from the Pit.

As I let myself be angry at God that Sunday, I heard only one thing that my pastor-husband said. Two words that made the promises of God become somewhat stable for me. Somewhat solid.

“Take me.”

My pastor-husband unpacked the complete betrayal of Jesus that Sunday. He reminded us about the kiss Judas left on Jesus’ cheek. He painted the picture of the army Judas brought to arrest Jesus. He pointed out that the very voice of Jesus brought the entire army to its knees.

A full thirty minutes of beautiful, rich content, but the only words that could mix with my tears were “take me.”

Jesus told that army to “take him” to his death.

He crowns you with faithful love and compassion.

A death I was meant to die.

I can’t rely on my feelings lately, because my feelings erupt in anger. I can’t completely rely on other humans because they don’t take away the pain. I can’t rely on my routines because those only numb and the numbing only masks the ache.

He satisfies you with good things.

But the words, “take me” bring me to a whole new level of love. A love that my heart can’t not feel. A love that said, “Take me, not her. I want to die for her so I can be with her in heaven. So I can satisfy her every desire, hold every tear and embrace her in every place of loneliness.”

Take me so I can have her.

So when “Great is Thy Faithfulness” can’t find breath in my lungs, two words are finding their way to fill the gap. Two words that are finding new heights in the depths of my soul.

Your youth is renewed like the eagle.

Two words that put me beneath a cross looking up at the one whose eyes are on me. The one who says, “Take me because I pick her.”

And those hot tear mingles with those two words and His love is faithful.

Because great is His faithfulness.

 

Psalm 103

He forgives all your iniquity.

He heals all your diseases.

He redeems your life from the Pit.

He crowns you with faithful love and compassion.

Your youth is renewed like the eagle.